Tosh's List
Oct. 30th, 2011 01:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
czarina_kittyTitle: Tosh’s List
Author: czarina_kitty
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing/character: Team
Rating: PG
Summary: In the deleted scenes from Greeks Bearing Gifts, Jack asks Toshiko to create a list of 50 reasons that Torchwood cannot accept a colony of spidery-mouse aliens from UNIT. This is that list.
Warnings: Mild, general spoilers for Torchwood series 1.
Disclaimer: I do not own, or make any money from the use of, these characters.
A/N: I know I haven't posted in months, but I figured I'd try to clear some stuff out of my files before NaNoWriMo starts.
50 reasons Torchwood Three cannot accept the colony of spidery-mouse aliens from UNIT:
1. We aren’t responsible for storing your unwanted aliens.
2. The rift is unstable.
3. We don’t have the man power.
4. We don’t have the room.
5. Ianto doesn’t have the time.
6. We don’t have the proper containment units.
7. They don’t take well to cryogenic storage.
8. … Or getting wet.
9. …Or being fed after midnight.
10. Our current team hasn’t learned not to open containment cells.
11. …Or press unfamiliar buttons.
12. …And we don’t have the retcon necessary to deal with another public incident.
13. Gwen thinks they can be reasoned with.
14. Tosh is allergic to them.
15. Owen insists they reproduce asexually and are boring.
16. Jack says they are sensitive to time disturbances and insists time can be rewritten.
17. Ianto is afraid they will eat through the archives.
18. They don’t have a cool name.
19. They like to hide in dark corners and we have a lot of dark corners.
20. A broken neck from tripping over a mouse is not a dignified way to die.
21. …Neither is falling off a chair while running from a spider.
22. They bite, and not in the fun way.
23. They scare the Weevils.
24. They scared Suzie.
25. They even scared Lisa.
26. They clash with the décor.
27. They may be aliens, but we can’t snog them.
28. …Which just depresses Jack
29. Their preferred food is not available in Cardiff.
30. … Or anywhere in Wales.
31. …Or really anywhere on Earth.
32. Cobwebs make Ianto cranky.
33. Mouse droppings are unhygienic.
34. …And trigger a lock-down.
35. The last one we had here chewed on Mainframe’s cables.
36. … And chewed on Jack’s coat.
37. …And ate all the coffee beans.
38. …And the chocolate biscuits.
39. …And everything else in sight.
40. …Until Owen made jam.
41. Ianto refuses to clean up any more spidery-mouse-thing jam.
42. Jack never taught us to shoot moving targets.
43. Our pet pterodactyl likes to hunt.
44. She also likes her food fast.
45. …And still squirming.
46. Their fur prevents them being branded with the Torchwood logo.
47. The twenty-first century is when everything changes and we have to be ready.
48. We tried shunting the reality compensators and recalibrated the doomsday buffers, but we still couldn’t reverse the polarity and stabilize the biomatrix without tearing the rift open.
49. Our fearless leader turns out not to be so fearless after all.
50. We just don’t want them.
Author: czarina_kitty
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing/character: Team
Rating: PG
Summary: In the deleted scenes from Greeks Bearing Gifts, Jack asks Toshiko to create a list of 50 reasons that Torchwood cannot accept a colony of spidery-mouse aliens from UNIT. This is that list.
Warnings: Mild, general spoilers for Torchwood series 1.
Disclaimer: I do not own, or make any money from the use of, these characters.
A/N: I know I haven't posted in months, but I figured I'd try to clear some stuff out of my files before NaNoWriMo starts.
50 reasons Torchwood Three cannot accept the colony of spidery-mouse aliens from UNIT:
1. We aren’t responsible for storing your unwanted aliens.
2. The rift is unstable.
3. We don’t have the man power.
4. We don’t have the room.
5. Ianto doesn’t have the time.
6. We don’t have the proper containment units.
7. They don’t take well to cryogenic storage.
8. … Or getting wet.
9. …Or being fed after midnight.
10. Our current team hasn’t learned not to open containment cells.
11. …Or press unfamiliar buttons.
12. …And we don’t have the retcon necessary to deal with another public incident.
13. Gwen thinks they can be reasoned with.
14. Tosh is allergic to them.
15. Owen insists they reproduce asexually and are boring.
16. Jack says they are sensitive to time disturbances and insists time can be rewritten.
17. Ianto is afraid they will eat through the archives.
18. They don’t have a cool name.
19. They like to hide in dark corners and we have a lot of dark corners.
20. A broken neck from tripping over a mouse is not a dignified way to die.
21. …Neither is falling off a chair while running from a spider.
22. They bite, and not in the fun way.
23. They scare the Weevils.
24. They scared Suzie.
25. They even scared Lisa.
26. They clash with the décor.
27. They may be aliens, but we can’t snog them.
28. …Which just depresses Jack
29. Their preferred food is not available in Cardiff.
30. … Or anywhere in Wales.
31. …Or really anywhere on Earth.
32. Cobwebs make Ianto cranky.
33. Mouse droppings are unhygienic.
34. …And trigger a lock-down.
35. The last one we had here chewed on Mainframe’s cables.
36. … And chewed on Jack’s coat.
37. …And ate all the coffee beans.
38. …And the chocolate biscuits.
39. …And everything else in sight.
40. …Until Owen made jam.
41. Ianto refuses to clean up any more spidery-mouse-thing jam.
42. Jack never taught us to shoot moving targets.
43. Our pet pterodactyl likes to hunt.
44. She also likes her food fast.
45. …And still squirming.
46. Their fur prevents them being branded with the Torchwood logo.
47. The twenty-first century is when everything changes and we have to be ready.
48. We tried shunting the reality compensators and recalibrated the doomsday buffers, but we still couldn’t reverse the polarity and stabilize the biomatrix without tearing the rift open.
49. Our fearless leader turns out not to be so fearless after all.
50. We just don’t want them.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-10-30 09:07 am (UTC)*snort* My favourites are 9, 13, 18, 25, and 46 :)
no subject
Date: 2011-10-30 10:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-30 11:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-31 12:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-31 05:55 am (UTC)And Gremlins FTW! I haven't seen that movie in ages, but I still remembered the rules.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-31 12:17 pm (UTC)Number 46 is definitely my favourite though! They simply don't have the time to shave a whole colony of wriggly spidery mouse things in order to brand the logo on them, and anyway the fur would just grow back and hide it again! And if they're not branded and one gets out, how would whoever found it know who to return it to?
I wonder how many it would take to make a decent snack for Myfanwy...
no subject
Date: 2011-11-04 08:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-26 10:26 pm (UTC)