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czarina_kitty) wrote2010-11-29 01:57 am
Three Little Words
Title: Three Little Words
Author: czarina_kitty
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing/character: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ianto betrays Jack three times.
Warnings: spoilers for Cyberwoman, Countrycide, End of Days, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and Adrift
Disclaimer: I do not own, or make any money from the use of, these characters.
A/N: Posted in response to the jantosparkle Pornsgiving Party and the leftovers theme. I started this before COE and have never felt up to doing anything with it since then. I don’t see myself ever finishing this, so…
The first time that Ianto betrayed Jack was the worst. Ianto had always known, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he was betraying Jack’s trust. He knew this, but it just wasn’t that important. Not compared to keeping Lisa safe. Not compared to healing her. Not compared to the way he loved her. He always knew, somehow, that if he were discovered there would be a bullet in his brain faster than regret could register, faster than he could fully process his own motivations, faster than he could feel remorse or guilt. What he did not know, however, what he had not counted on, was that when (and really, he had to admit, it had always been a matter of when, not if) when he was found out Jack would let him live. Kneeling on the floor with Jack’s gun to his head he was sure that this was the end. But it wasn’t. He was allowed to stand up and get back into the fight. He was brought back by Jack and forced away from the danger, forced out of the hub, he was saved rather than left to die. When Jack again held his gun to Ianto’s head again, threatening to kill both Ianto and Lisa if Ianto did not kill her, he again thought this was the end. But it wasn’t. He was allowed back into the hub and given a chance to correct his mistakes. And certainly, by the time the gunshots that ended Lisa’s life were fired, he expected at least one of those guns to be aimed at him. But it wasn’t. When he was again left alive Ianto figured that Jack was exactly the sort of cruel son of a bitch to make him clean up the mess before he executed him. But there was no bullet, no ret-con—just a small nod, a stern face, and a 4 week suspension. And, as Jack came to realize just how much he had underestimated this young man, Ianto came to realize how much he had underestimated Jack. Leaving him alive, memories intact, was the cruelest of the possible fates. Ianto had not counted on mercy or understanding, on wanting—no, needing—to be forgiven. He had never planned on dealing with the consequences of his actions, never considered what would happen if he failed, even though he knew, on some level, that there was little chance of Lisa recovering. He had never anticipated his own need for absolution. While he could see compassion in Jack’s eyes as he visited him during his suspension and, later, comprehension as Jack mourned for Estelle, the words he needed to hear were not spoken. Not until after the trip to the Brecon Beacons, after he proved himself to be worthy, after he sacrificed himself to save Tosh, did Jack truly see who he was, who he could become. It was after that disaster, while recovering from his injuries, Jack as nursemaid, that Ianto finally heard the words he had longed for, “I forgive you.”
The second time Ianto betrayed Jack was the worst. Going against Jack’s orders to help Owen open the rift, watching in shock as Owen shot the Captain, his Captain, and nearly destroying the world—truly not his finest hour. When Jack came back only to be killed again Ianto was left, again, with his need to be forgiven, to make amends, and to hear those precious three words. He had resigned himself to living with the guilt, to muddling through, and, when Jack came back again, pulling him into a loving hug and proclaiming their relationship to everyone with a bruising kiss, Ianto felt at peace, knowing that before long he would hear the words he longed for. But he didn’t. Jack left, abandoning them, to see his Doctor. Ianto again needed to prove himself, no longer to Jack, but now to himself and to the rest of the team, this time by helping to fill the void left in Jack’s wake. By the time Jack returned he had become an equal member of the team and no longer needed—but still wanted, desperately wanted—to hear those words. And he did, over dessert, on their first official date, as the conversation wore down, sins confessed by both men, Jack leaned in close and whispered “I forgive you.”
The third time Ianto betrayed Jack was the worst, but by now this was the pattern. When he left Gwen the GPS containing the directions to Flat Holm Ianto knew he was wrong, that he was going against his Captain, that there were good reasons to keep the secret. But he also knew that he was right, that she would not let it go and that, in the long run, things would work out. Believing that he was right, knowing that he was right, did not make the confrontation with Jack any easier, any less painful, it did not make it any easier to persuade the other man. But later, once the situation had been dealt with and contained, Ianto did hear the three little words that he needed more than anything to hear, “I love you.”
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*hands tissue*
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I adored the last 3 words best though :-D
Thanks for sharing.
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