Surviving

[czarina_kitty]

Title:  Surviving
Author/Artist: czarina_kitty
Prompt: Ianto knew about Flat Holm; must have known a lot of other secrets that Jack was keeping about himself and Torchwood.  But what is it about Ianto Jones that Jack Harkness confides in him?
Summary:  see prompt
Pairing: Jack, Ianto
Rating: PG
A/N:  Thank you to alt_universe_me for the beta.  Written for the Torchwood_Fest Halloween challenge and originally posted there.

  

The first time they met, in the park, wrestling a Weevil to the ground, there is something…familiar about the young man.  Something that reminds Jack of himself.  He’s pretty, possibly braver than he is smart, and trying to be noticed by being subtle, but that isn’t it.  Underneath that he’s…damaged.  Looking into the young man’s history, he discovers the cause of that damage: the fall of Torchwood One.

*****

Jack suspects he will see the young man again, and the next morning his suspicions are confirmed.  This time, the damage is more obvious, the desperation more palpable.  He touches, but at arm’s length, not ready to take comfort in a physical connection (not that Jack is offering, not yet).  He’s still grieving for the losses he has suffered, still raw from the trauma, and guilty over having survived when so many others did not.  All emotions Jack can identify with, all circumstances he is familiar with from his own past.

*****

            “You’re not gonna  help me catch this pterodactyl, then?”  Desperate, but creative., and not bad as pick-up lines go, but this is almost a different person: smart, witty, fast on his feet, able to completely suppress the earlier desperation.  And putting on a mask to deal with the world is something else that Jack understands well.  Maybe there is a place for Ianto at Torchwood Three after all.  Maybe, Jack thinks, he has finally found someone who will understand him, someone he can identify with. 

*****

It isn’t until after the revelation of a half-converted cyber-secret that Jack considers that this feeling of having found a kindred spirit might not be reciprocal.  That while Jack knows how much they have in common, Ianto might still feel alone and misunderstood.  After the smoke has cleared, the blood has been cleaned up, and the bodies disposed of, Jack is surprised to find Ianto kneeling on the floor of his office, head down and hands clasped tightly at the back of his neck. 

            “What are you still doing here?” Jack asks.  “I told you to go home.”

            “This is as close to a home as I have without Lisa,” Ianto says flatly.

            “Ianto…”

            “Sir, please,” Ianto looks up at Jack briefly.  “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.  I’ve been with Torchwood long enough to know how this ends.  I have nothing left without her, so just finish it.  The file on your desk contains all of the access codes and instructions you’ll need after…”

            “Ianto,”            Jack says slowly, crouching down in front Ianto.  “Stand up.  We need to talk.”

            “I…,” Ianto sighs deeply and nods once, standing up to face Jack.  “Yes, sir.”

            “I’ve only got one question,” Jack says, moving Ianto towards the chair in front of his desk.  “Why?  After everything you saw, knowing what they were capable of, after crawling out of the wreckage left by the Cybermen and the Daleks, after all that, how could you bring that…that thing here?”

“I had to,” Ianto says simply.  “I had to save her, had save someone.  Someone had to live.”

“You lived.”

“I shouldn’t have,” Ianto says softly, confirming Jack’s suspicions.

“I understand,” Jack replies, keeping his tone soft.

“No,” Ianto says forcefully.  “How could you?  You weren’t there.  You didn’t watch everyone around you die.  I couldn’t help them, Jack.  I couldn’t help them and they all died.  When I found Lisa, I thought…She gave me a purpose, something to live for.”

“You thought you could save her.  That saving her would make it all worthwhile.”

“She gave me meaning.  Without her, I’m nothing.”

            “That’s not true,” Jack says.  “And I do understand.  I haven’t talked about it in years, hell, I’ve tried not to think about it for years, but when I was a child, my home was invaded.  We lived in this backwater colony, the Boeshane Peninsula.  We were constantly under the threat of invasion, but it was home and we stayed, never really thought about the danger.  I don’t even remember exactly how it happened, I tried to forget for so long, but there were so many dead or just…gone.  My father, my brother, but somehow…somehow, I survived.  I survived and I’ve never forgiven myself for that.”

“With all due respect, sir, that’s hardly the same thing.”

“Believe me, it is.  I can’t even begin to tell you the bad decisions I made because of that guilt.  I almost ended the world at time or two in my day, but then I met someone who showed me another way.  Someone who showed me how to be a better person and how to make my life mean something again.  Someone who saved me because I was worth saving.  Let me be that person for you.”   

“How?” Ianto asks.

“We find something to give you meaning again.  People you can save and places where you can make a difference.  There is a lot more to running Torchwood than just what happens here and I need help.  I need someone else to know what needs to be done.  I know you can keep a secret, so let me show you everything.”