Doubts

[czarina_kitty]

Title:  Doubts
Author: czarina_kitty
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing/character:  Ianto/Lisa
Rating:  R
Kink:  body alteration
Warnings: angst
Disclaimer: I do not own, or make any money from the use of, these characters.
Notes: written for a square on my kink_bingo card

 

           

            He has his doubts. 

He may never know if these represent moments of weakness or moments of clarity, but he does have doubts.  In his darker, or perhaps more lucid, moments he thinks it’s already too late, that it was already too late before he found her and dragged her from the wreckage of Canary Wharf.  That she was lost to him even before he risked everything and betrayed her in order to save her.  He thinks that the damage is too much, the process gone too far.  Sometimes he worries that she will never survive off the conversion unit.  Sometimes he worries that she will.  Some days he sneaks down to her basement room hoping that she is awake and aware enough to talk.  Some days he hopes she isn’t.  Sometimes he is too tired from all the lies, exhausted from all the secrets, to do anything but doubt.

            There are moments when he doubts that she will ever recover, moment when he thinks it might be better if she doesn’t.  There are times when she appears to be gone already, times when there is nothing left of Lisa that he recognizes, times when he wonders if there is anything left of her buried beneath the metal.  There are days when wonders if he should just let her go—overdose her peacefully in her sleep, then savagely destroy what has been done to her.  There are even times when he hopes that someone will notice, that someone will take the decision out of his hands, that someone will make the hard choices for him.  There are times when he wants to unburden his soul, confess everything, and just rest.

There are moments when he doubts, but there are also moments when he believes.

Times like this, when Lisa is awake and responsive, he hopes.  Times like now, when he can feel her exposed skin, warm and soft and human under his hands.  There are times when he can ignore the metal affixed to her body, when he can pretend that she is still whole, that underneath the metal skin her flesh is unharmed.  Time when he can pretend that she is still his and he is still hers, times when he can pretend that this story might have a happy ending, that they both could wake from this nightmare.  Times when he images that a normal life and a family of his own might be possible.

            When he feels the muscles of her taut stomach flex under his touch, when he looks deep into her eyes and sees the love reflected there, he believes.  When her breath catches and she moves as he runs his tongue along that spot on her jaw, he knows.  When he catches her scent over the smell of oil and arching electricity, he berates himself for ever doubting.    

            He has his doubts.  He’d be an idiot if he didn’t.  But sometimes he can put those doubts aside and just pretend that everything will be alright.